Imagine this scenario:
You: “Hey…are you ok?”
Friend: “No, not really”.
Your friend begins to tell you about something serious – maybe an illness, a relationship breakdown, or a loss…
Oh, boy. What do you say? What do you do? How do you comfort your friend?
Let’s pause for a moment.
In this week’s Torah portion, the Jewish people are suffering terribly in Egypt. Moses has been living in Pharaoh’s house (his Jewish identity unknown to Pharaoh).
Moses ventures out to see what is going on with his people: “…when Moses had grown up, he went out to his kinsfolk and saw in their burdens” (Exodus 2:11).
Rabbi Avraham Kovel directs our attention to Rashi’s commentary.
The phrasing of the verse gives us insight into Moses’ sensitivity: “he saw in their burdens” (as opposed to just seeing their burdens). This is an important distinction. Rabbi Kovel explains, “[This] teaches us that Moses didn’t merely observe their suffering; he immersed himself within it: ‘He set his eyes and mind to share in their distress’”.
Moses teaches us an important lesson here about empathy. When people are suffering, sometimes our first instinct is to act – to say something, to do something (anything! We feel awkward and want to “fix” it!)
There are times when actions are needed, (and Moses ultimately does, of course, take action.) That said, the best first step may be to just “be in it” with the person (or people) suffering.
Just be in it.
Just be with them.
I experienced the truth of this when I was sitting Shiva for my father, Z”L. Sure, sometimes visitors had comforting words, and I appreciated the platters of food. But the greatest comfort came from people simply showing up – just “being in it” with me. (I have heard similar sentiments from other people who have experienced Shiva.)
Can you understand another person’s pain perfectly? Usually not. No two experiences are the same. Yet, pausing and just sitting with a person – wherever they are, whatever they’re dealing with – can be the most comforting thing of all.
Let’s go back to our friend from the beginning.
Before saying or doing anything, just pause. Be “in it” with them.
Of course, you can ask if there is anything they need…
But your genuine presence may be what they need most of all.
Shabbat Shalom,
Danielle and the JET Team
After 16 months of estrangement, my daughter came back to me. When my son, her brother, was almost killed , I was inconsolable. I was bombarded by people’s advise on what to do and how to feel. I had to be “in it” by myself. This is such good advice. I try to just be there for people indistress or experiencing grief.
While recently observing Shiva for my father, Z”L, I found the support and presence of others to be very comforting. What I found most healing, however, was the act of remembering him by stating his name and sharing stories in which he played a part.
I’d never heard that insight. I’ll bet you’ve seen the Ten Commandments directed by Cecil B Mill in 1956. In that version, Moses goes out to the brick pits to experience what his brethren are suffering. I wonder where the script writer got that from?