In our daily interactions, when someone thanks us for a favor, we often respond with phrases like, “It’s not a big deal,” or “It was nothing.” Similarly, when someone apologizes for having wronged us, our reflex might be to say, “There’s nothing to apologize for,” or “Don’t worry about it.” These responses are common, but are they the most appropriate? Are we truly expressing what we mean, or are we unintentionally conveying something deeper?
Rabbi Yissocher Frand quotes Rabbi Yerucham Levovitz, who explains that these types of responses are not always ideal. When someone thanks us for a favor, and we brush off their gratitude, we are unintentionally keeping them in a state of indebtedness. The person wants to express their appreciation, and if possible, return the favor. By rejecting their thanks, we deny them the opportunity to do so, which may create a subtle imbalance. In essence, by dismissing their gratitude, we maintain a certain level of superiority. We are saying, “I am the one who is always giving to you, and you are in my debt.”
This concept is reflected in this week’s Parsha, Vayigash, when Yosef reveals his identity to his brothers. He says to them, “I am Yosef, is my father still alive?” The brothers are so stunned that they cannot respond. Yosef then goes on to assure them, “Do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for it was to be a provider that G-d sent me ahead of you.”
One might ask: Why does Yosef feel the need to explain so much to his brothers? Why not simply say, “Don’t worry about it, it turned out for the best”? The answer is Yosef wants to make it clear that he has not forgotten what they did, but he has forgiven them. There is a significant difference between these two actions. If Yosef had simply said, “Don’t worry about it,” it would have left his brothers uncertain—wondering whether he truly forgave them, or if he still harboured resentment. By acknowledging the wrong that had been done, and then explicitly telling them that he holds no ill will, Yosef provides them with the closure they need. He lets them know that despite the pain of their actions, he has chosen to forgive them, and there is no longer any need for guilt or fear.
This teaches us a valuable lesson in how we should approach both gratitude and forgiveness. When someone thanks us or apologizes, we should not brush it off casually. Instead, we should acknowledge their feelings and allow them to express their appreciation or remorse fully. By doing so, we help resolve any lingering tension, and we allow the relationship to grow in a way that is honest and open. When we fail to engage with gratitude or forgiveness meaningfully, we may inadvertently create distance, rather than closeness.
Yosef’s example shows us the importance of addressing emotional matters directly. When we forgive someone or when someone expresses gratitude, it’s essential to acknowledge those emotions with sincerity and respect. This enables both sides to move forward, free from any unspoken resentment or uncertainty.
May we learn from Yosef’s example, responding to gratitude and forgiveness in ways that foster understanding and deepen our connections with one another.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Shaps and the JET Team
